Death, Taxes & Auld Lang Sine

I knew this was going to be a bad idea. I was stood in a house with 3 women screaming at me that I had completely ruined the night, and that was such bad luck for a new years. I’m pretty sure that they made that one up.
It was new years eve and a Amy, whom I had met a few times for drinks, managed to convince me that I should go out with her and a few of her friends round a local town. It seemed like a good idea at the time because she had her head in a very inappropriate place to ensue a successful argument from my part.
Fast forward a few hours and i’m sat in a fairly busy bar with Amy and a few of her female friends. Usually i’d be in my element and make completely inappropriate remarks with a legion of strong drinks bringing up the rear. In this situation, this wasn’t to be. One of the girls boyfriends had just broken off their relationship, and so the atmosphere was lacking a certain joviality that usually accompanies drinking and to a lesser degree New Year. I had two options 1) I could make an excuse like my cat has just passed away and i’m still in grief, and therefore I need to leave immediately or 2) Say i’m going for drinks and just stay at the bar. I opted for 2) due to the fact we were in a strange city and I had no idea how to find a decent bar. I made my excuses and waited at the bar.
Whilst semi-patiently waiting for the bartender to get an inkling of how to pour a drink in under 5 minutes, a girl dressed in red who was in my opinion absolutely stunning squeezed in next to me. She instantly got the bartenders attention and secured her order.
“I have to tell you i’m a little impressed. I’ve been stood here for at least 10 minutes and that idiot hasn’t even looked this way”
“It’s the advantage of wearing a low cut top”
“I wish someone had told me whilst I was picking out my outfit”
“I feel bad now, would you like a drink?”
“Straight Jack. The names John”
“Pam”
So we were stood there shooting the breeze for a good 15 minutes. It turned out that Pam had grown up in the area and had some useful suggestions about acceptable bars in the area, which was good for later if the atmosphere with the girls didn’t liven up and it came down to drastic measures, like kill myself or eject. I then felt a sharp jerk from my shoulder, it was Amy.
“I’ve been looking everywhere for you”
“Congratulations you found me. You’ve won a drink” I thought the humour would go down well.
“We’re leaving. Now” At least it made me laugh.
“It’s been a pleasure Pam. Might see you later”
It took all of 7 seconds for Amy to instigate the inquisition once we left the bar.
“And who was that?”
It took around 10 minutes to calm her down and convince her that I wasn’t going to run away with the girl in red, although it seemed like a much better place to be than my current position. We moved to another popular bar in the town which was packed to its very capacity, the people around here obviously really like New Years. We quite literally squeezed into the bar and I bought a round of the strongest short they had to help liven the mood that couldn’t have been more dampened if someone’s cat had actually died. Although my toast didn’t go down so well, and in retrospect I can see why “A wise man once said things are never as bad as they look. Which is true, at least he didn’t leave you for another man!” which I was visually prompted that he did as she erupted into tears. This is why it’s a good idea to never let me near anyone who’s mourning any significant loss, I usually make it much worse.
I was stood on the very edge of potentially the most depressing new year celebration ever, with all the girls pouring over the crying depressed one, when it suddenly hit me. I grabbed my phone out of my pocket and did the worst impersonation of someone being on the phone that Hollywood has ever had the misfortune to witness.
“Hey Sally, how the hell are you? You’re in town? What a coincidence, i’m at the GoBar. Yeah sure i’ll come and meet you and the boys for half an hour. Ok see you there” I’d like to thank the Oscars.
I then informed Amy that I was going to meet my imaginary friend and that my phone would be on if she needed me for anything, which of course it wouldn’t. Congratulations John, you’ve just turned that celebratory night frown upside-down.
I headed straight for one of the bars that the industrious Pam had suggested and it was heaven compared to the other watering halls we had frequented. There was good music, a seemingly fine collection of intoxicating spirits and to put the cherry on the cake, Pam was stood at the bar.
“Long time no see John. I do believe you owe me a drink”
We got on just fine with both the drinking and the talking, and as things do when you’re in that situation it wasn’t long before we were both embracing each other with vigour. It was at that very second that Amy chose the worst possible moment to walk through the door and lock onto the situation. She grabbed my hand and yanked me outside forcibly.
“I knew it!” she screamed just as simultaneously the bells in a church not very far away started to chime twelve times and Amy started to leak huge amounts of tears in a hysterical manner.
“I thought we could have a really nice night tonight and maybe make things a little more permanent but you have to go and mess it by being a tart! You’re a bastard John!” 2 chimes down.
“Amy calm down. It was just a celebratory new year’s kiss, the girls from Canada and that’s what they do over there” Sounded plausible to me, and I knew it was a load of rubbish. 6 chimes down.
“That’s nonsense! I know you organised to meet her on the phone, otherwise where are your friends?” She had a point from her perspective, fortunately I had been drinking and therefore my creative juices were running on high. 9 chimes down.
“They’ve just left. They probably bumped into you at the door” 11 chimes down.
“I hate you John” Those were the first words that I heard from the new year, and if i’m to be fair, it probably won’t be the last time I hear it. Hey, at least i’m a realist.
Amy then sprinted up the street away from her dreadful start to the new year, I went back inside to wish Pam a happy new year. Not long after that I felt my mobile start to vibrate. As soon as I answered I regretted the action, it was the happy girl of Amy’s friends. She wanted me to come immediately to talk to Amy and sort out the problem, mainly due to the fact that Amy was hysterical. So I did what any reasonable non-committed man would do at that point, resumed my previous activity with the red-dressed minx.

The night progressed smoothly and as expected.
The first major problem that I had to face in the morning was that Pam lived with her parents, who as my luck would run for the rest of the day, were early risers. Fortunately they were quite relaxed when Pam explained that I was also a strict Catholic. The next major problem was that I had left my car keys in Amy’ house. Therefore I could either leave the car or face the wrath of a hungover, scorned lady. My housekeys were on the same keyring as the car, so if I wanted a non-draughty entry to my house I would have to retrieve said item.
Once I had walked to Amy’s, I tried the front door with the intention that I may be able to sneak in and grab the keys without anyone noticing, but alas the door was locked. I took a deep breath and knocked.
“Good morning and happy new year” I greeted Amy with a semi-jovial spirit that was hanging by a thread.
“You’ve come for your keys?” Not a ripple of emotion stirred on her face.
“Well, that and to wish you all the best”
“You best come in then” Dammit, I had been wanting to avoid this situation.
As I walked into the front room I felt like the prey the nature programmes focus on seconds before the predators rip it into shreds. All of the girls I had begun the evening with were sat in the front room, and had a look in their collective eyes that would shrink a mans most intimate parts to microscopic size.
“Why don’t you take a seat John” Quick, think of something pressing sounding.
“I’d love to, but unfortunately I have to...”
I was cut off mid-sentence with a firm sounding “Now”
I felt like this was going to be a female orientated version of Goodfellas, I just had to decide who was going to be the character who would try to beat me to death with a chair leg and stay out of arms length.
“Why John?” was demanded from Amy. What is it with this girl?
“Why what?” I decided the best thing for my hangover was to play it dumb.
“You were blatantly kissing that girl right in front of me”
“Amy I don’t mean to sound callous but we are not even in a relationship” I instantly regretted every single syllable. Instantly all of the girls erupted into some bizarre ritualistic sort of screaming seizure, all aimed at me. Do you think they had some kind of secret signal or codeword primed for that? Anyway i’m sidetracking.
I’d love to be in a position to regale you with some of the comments that were flung at me like I was some kind of fairground coconut, but they were some of the most vulgar and crude words ever muttered in my presence. I have noted them for future reference.
I was sat there for about 10minutes whilst the girls were screaming, I drifted off a little bit at this point so for all I knew they could of being talking about the best way to get rid of my limp body. I was hoping that they’d quickly run out of screaming momentum but it didn’t look like it was going to happen very soon. They were now transitioning into a relay type mode where one of them would take over the shouting for a few minutes and then she would quickly be relieved by another eager participant. I had to stop this now or I would be in real danger of developing a headache.
“Ladies please. Let’s take a moment to calm down. I’m going to pop outside to have a cigarette and then i’ll come back in and we’ll talk about this like adults. Not screaming and shouting like children” They took the bait “Be quick”
I grabbed my keys in the most unobvious manner as I made my way to the door, but it probably would have been more obvious if I had painted ‘ha ha-i’m off’ on the wall. Once outside I jumped into my car explaining to Amy that my cigarettes were in the glove box and then I was away at an excessive speed.
What the hell is wrong with the girls I keep bumping into, was running through my mind as I made my way home. They all either seemingly want to marry me or kill me within minutes of meeting me.
At least by default I know what to expect.